


Hatred and pain

by Razerface



Category: Degrassi: Next Class
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:22:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22562446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Razerface/pseuds/Razerface
Summary: Originally written in 2017
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hyi :). I just wanted to say that I wrote this two years ago when i was thirteen years old, and now I post it here.
> 
> „Hello guys! First of all, i am german and just thirteen so please excuse my terrible english. This is a Project from me to practise english for being better in school, so I hope you guys enjoy my fanfiction, and that my english is not that terrible at all XD„ (That was what i noted there two years ago.)

-Zoe's view —

Every time I pull a razor through my skin, I feel relief. Of course it hurts. But that's exactly why I do it.  
Also, when I held my arm over a burning candle, I feel relieved of stress.  
I don't know why that is. But what I know for sure is that I'm not a lesbian! And what I also know is that I come across every person who is important to me.  
I just hate myself so much! Hurting myself is the only way to get me off the idea of doing something worse. And who cares if I hurt myself? No one accepts me as I am anyway.

I hate myself so much…


	2. Fuck.

-Zoe's view-

I had the feeling that Grace kept me in mind because she was worried about me. I've been walking more and more at a distance lately. I didn't want her or anyone else to know that I was hurting myself, because then everyone would say that I should talk about it with someone like a psychologist. But nobody could help me anyway.

And that's why I picked up a razor blade from my backpack, which I pulled through my forearm several times until the blood dripped. I pressed my free hand on the cuts, because otherwise the blood would drip to the floor of the cabin in the school toilet, and you would know what I was doing.

Actually, I didn't care that the blood would drip everywhere, but only if I did it at home, or somewhere where I was alone.

My hand was full of blood, and my forearm was totally blood-smeared. I had the sleeves of my sweater rolled up and opened the door of the toilet cabin to go out and wash my hand and forearm.

I ran more or less to the sink, although this was only two meters away from me, as I did not know when anyone could get in, and washed out my cuts as soon as possible. So fast that I did not notice that I had missed something, namely some blood on the edge of my wrist and under my fingernails.

But, well. I went outside, where I then made my way to the cafeteria, as it was lunch break and I was hungry too.

On the way there I met Grace. She sat with Tiny, Zig, Shay and Lola next to the lockers and talked to them. I tried to go past them unnoticed and quickly, but Grace noticed me. She went after me.

I went so fast that Grace went far behind me. When she called my name, I stopped, closed my eyes, breathed, turned to her, and smiled crooked. Wierd.

"Where are you going?" asked Grace. "To the cafeteria." I said. My smile slowly crooked, which is why Grace looked at me anxiously. "Okay." Now she was silent. I smiled again, and just wanted to go, but when I had already turned around and took two steps forward, she asked me something else "Are you okay?" she asked me, more anxious than before. "You know you can tell me everything, Zoe." She continued to speak. I nodded without really believing her. I said "Yes, it's OK." With a -once again- crooked smile. Now I wanted to disappear again, this time faster than before. Grace apparently understood that I lied about how I was going, and that something would be lazy here. That's why she came up to me and grabbed me by the forearm. And of course she grabbed me on that forearm, where I did cut myself so that I was jerking and groaning in pain.

"What's the matter? Did I hurt you? Show me your arm! "sayed Grace. Fuck. Fuck Fuck! "II... I have to go!" I stammered quickly and ran back to the toilet. "Zoe!" called Grace, and ran after me. Apparently, Shay and Lola were running after me, too.

When I arrived at the toilet, I ran into one of the cabins and locked myself in. I wanted to have my peace. After only about ten seconds Grace walked in. She ran to the cabin door and knocked. Zoe? What is going on? Talk to me! " She sounded really worried. I didn't say anything.

A little later, Shay and Lola came afterwards, and also asked what was going on. Shay and Lola repeatedly asked what I would have done until Grace took over.

„Zoe? You know you can tell me everything. What's the matter?" I didn't answer. She seemed to think.

„Zoe? Are you hurting yourself? "

Fuck. Fuck Fuck!

"Please say something!" Lola pleased. It sounded almost imploring. Why did everyone have to put me under pressure?

I opened the door to a swing and walked out of the cabin with speed and tears in my eyes, and I was just about to run out when Grace held me and took me into a hug. That was kind of sweet.

I started crying. Only quietly, then I didn't care how loud I did. So Grace just squeezed me more firmly. Just sweet. In addition, there was also Lola and Shay hugging me.

When I had calmed down a bit, we four sat on the floor of the toilet. Grace had put her arm around me, Lola, too.

"Zoe?" said Grace. „...Yes?" I asked quietly. "What... is actually now?" she asked again. I breathed deeply, and then I rolled up the right sleeve of my sweater. "Shit..." said Grace quietly. I came back to tears, and I was just about to cry again when Grace noticed and hugged me again. She wiped my tears out of my face and stood up. She bent over to me and gave me her hand so that I could get up too. "There's still some blood on your wrists and under your fingernails. You better wash that off." Said Grace. I washed my hands again. Grace looked at me. One hand sadly, other hand worried.

"Um... let's get out of here? I... would like to eat something. " I said. All three nodded. Worried, but they nodded.

We went to the cafeteria, and sat down. I ate quietly, looking at my food, while I noticed that Grace looked at me all the time worried.

„Hey. What was going on? "Said someone. When I looked up, I noticed that even Tiny and Zig had come into the cafeteria. Grace answered for me. "Don't you mind. Is one thing between us fours. " "All right. A girls thing" Said Zig smiling and sat at the table behind us, where a lot of other guys were sitting. Lola rolled with her eyes.

Grace still looked at me worried, an after five minutes where Grace looked at me worried, i looked in her eyes. „Grace, why do you look at me such worried?" „Uhm?" She replied sarcastically. She made sure that no one else except Lola and Shay could hear her, an then she continued to talk. Did you saw your cuts? So first, you could get a infection from that or worse, and second, what if you want to kill yourself after doing this multiple times? This is a serious problem!"

I easily looked ashamedly back at my food, and Grace and the other two looked only perplexed. After a few seconds of embarrassing silence, Grace took the floor again. „II…I just wanted to say, that I am worried about you, because maybe you would want to kill yourself." Sahy and Lola nodded. „Yes. Maybe, it would be better to go to the school psychologist or at least you should talk with your mother." Suggested Lola. Grace and Shay nodded approvingly.

I knew it. I knew, that at least one would say that. And yes, maybe it would be the best for me, but right now I was not really interested in talking to anyone I was worried that he would not accept me as I am again. „Um…Yes. Maybe." I replied, with an once again crooked smile. „No. You really should." Grace said. I nodded.

Grace kept talking to me until Lola's phone rang. She turned it on and seemed like she would read a message.

„Shit. Frankie need emotional help. We need to go. See you!" She said as she took Shay's hand and

pulled her behind her.

„Okay, soo…" Grace began again. At first, with what exactly did you cut yourself?" I breathed in, and then I picked up the razor from my backpack, with what I did cut myself a few minutes ago. „Give it to me. Then you can't cut yourself anymore." At first I hesitated , but then I gave it to her – after made sure that nobody was watching us-

„Do you have more?" She asked. „No." „Okay. So: Why are you doing this?" I refused to answer Grace's question. I remained silent. „Please. Tell me. Maybe you will feel better after telling someone." She said while putting a arm around me. She had a serious look in her eyes. I pulled myself together. „Everybody says I am gay, and yes, maybe sometimes I am attracted to girls" I stirred me slowly on. „But I don't want that! Yes, it is normal, but my mother is against that and…I mean you know what I mean, right?" Grace sighted. „I understand you. I mean, i am not gay but I think i can imagine how you fell, Zo" I looked silently back at my food on the table, and Grace hugged me once again.

Then we remained silent until the bell rang and we had to go back to our classroom fort he next period.


End file.
